


follow the aching inside

by Wrenvibes



Category: Trollhunters - Daniel Kraus & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Bulimia, Crying, Discussion of Prior Divorce, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Barbara Lake/Nomura, Minor canon divergence, Multi, Nomura was Barb’s college roommate, Very Brief Sex Mention, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-06-27 09:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19788451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wrenvibes/pseuds/Wrenvibes
Summary: Barbara Lake is 36 when her old habits come back to haunt her.





	follow the aching inside

**Author's Note:**

> for the reader: this is intended as a ventfic, written by a person who has extensive experience with ED behaviors. Do not- and I repeat DO NOT- try anything mentioned here at home. Please.  
> Also, it’s worth being said, romance is not the focus here. This is not a “relationship magically fixes someone’s mental illness” fic.  
> Title from Mitski’s “Square”, which I find to be very appropriate here.

It had been exactly 10 years, 6 days, 15 hours, and 16 seconds since James Lake Senior left Barbara’s life forever.

She had distracted herself effectively for about a week, after her son’s 16th birthday. Things had been... Strange, with Jim recently, and she had been attempting to make amends for how utterly stressed he’d been on his birthday. He had been stressed recently in general- trouble sleeping, disinterest in his schoolwork, even snapping at her occasionally. It worried her, always- of course it did.

That being said, that wasn't what was bothering her now. Her problem was? _The distraction had stopped working._

Like she usually did, Barb arrived back home very late at night, long after Jim had gone to bed. Most nights, she would fix leftovers or pick something up on the way back- she knew going to bed hungry wasn’t good for her. Tonight, she had fixed leftovers- but she picked at her food, eyes cast down. It had nothing to do with the quality- Jim had always been an outstanding chef. The reminders of her husband left a sour taste in her mouth and a sick stirring feeling in her stomach.

All it took was a glance at one of the photos still hanging on the walls to kill her appetite completely.

_Her and James Lake Senior, standing together on the deck of her family’s beach house. A beaming, two year old Jim was held between the two of them, and Barbara was smiling tiredly at the camera. James was smiling too._

The thing that jarred Barbara most about the photograph was, of course, herself. She looked tired and pale, despite the time of year. Her face was wan, with dark circles under her eyes and subtle hollows to her face.

Despite all of this, she was beautiful, slim and perfect. Everything had gone downhill with James after she’d given birth to her son. He’d insisted that she immediately start dieting, try to look like her “old self” again, and she had taken it hard. Smaller meals turned to Barb skipping dinner, turning away snacks offered by her coworkers. Most of her time she didn’t spend sleeping between her shifts was for exercise, even when she didn’t eat. Even when she hated it.

When her friends started expressing disdain towards her husband and concern towards her, she knew something had to change. He saw nothing wrong with what she was doing, even when it kept on getting worse. She had never been hospitalized for it, but it had taken a huge toll on their relationship, which was.. admittedly a positive outcome. His reaction to her distress showed her that he wasn’t that good of a person, after all, and when they got divorced, she was able to begin recovering.

Now, 10 years later, her eyes fixed on the picture frame... She felt something else. Something she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Barbara stepped into the downstairs bathroom, stripped off her work clothes, and met her own eyes in the full-length mirror.

She swallowed back her emotions as she examined her body, detachedly. Soft, pale skin, with freckles painted across her whole body. Slight shoulders, broad hips. Her dark, rectangular glasses, framing cerulean blue eyes. Back to her hips, again- eyes tracing over her stomach, down her pale thighs.

Now, Barbara was a smart woman. She knew, in theory, she shouldn’t have an issue with the way she was built- she was a grown woman, and a mother. It made sense for her body to look a certain way, as opposed to how easily slight she had been in her college years.

Usually? She took no issue with her body. She appreciated that it took her places, it kept her alive.

Now, though, all she could think of was the casual demeaning from her husband. The snipes from other parents her age, the unwarranted advice about post-pregnancy weight loss. Worst of all, she wondered what Walter would think of her. The relationship between the two of them had been blossoming as of late, and she worried that he was ashamed by her. She worried that he was disgusted by her, or annoyed by her self-conscious habits, or-

No. This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do at all, she thought, and decided that if she was going to anything about this, it would be in the morning. She was tired, and emotional, so she would probably feel better once she got some sleep. Right?

-

The next day, after breakfast, she threw up in the shower. Eating had made her feel nauseated- she had eaten more than she had intended, and she hadn’t been monitoring what she was eating. That unquestionably meant to her that she didn’t deserve it. If she had the wherewithal to control herself, she could eat what she liked.

Afterward, she sat on the floor shivering, for what felt like a very long time. Her towel was wrapped tightly around her, and she slowly ran her fingers through her drenched hair to calm herself. Barbara considered calling someone- Walter, one of her work friends- but the idea only made her feel worse.

If she did that, she would just be making a big deal out of nothing, right?

-

It took another week of restricting and purging for Barbara to realize it was not nothing.

The first time she lied to Jim, it was when she was rushing out of the house for work that evening-

“Mom, hey- have you eaten yet? I can fix something for when you get back, if you want,” He called as she clipped her badge to her lab coat.

She paused for a moment on the threshold, looking down at him.

“I ate earlier, if I’m hungry when I get home I’ll have cereal,” The lie made her feel sick to her stomach in a whole different way. “I love you, I’ll be back around 3, ok? I’ll try not to wake you.” And just as soon as Jim had managed a “love you!” In return, Barbara was out the door.

-

She worked straight through her shifts now, keeping herself busy with her patients and acting like she was fine. Being on her feet for so long often had her facing dizzy spells, often enough that her coworkers started to take notice. When they asked if she was alright, she brushed them off entirely, made some excuse about a new birth control she was on. She wasn’t sure what would have been worse: if she’d been caught in the lie, or if they believed her. She didn’t have to consider long- no one seemed to question her excuses, and she found lying easier than ever.

When Barbara got home, she didn’t even bother changing out of her work uniform. Instead, she flopped down immediately onto her bed and let the arms of sleep take her, exhaustion filling her body once again. She was no stranger to exhaustion.

The second time she lied to Jim, she’d downed two cups of coffee already. He was sitting across the table from her, digging into some French toast he’d made. She had her own plate in front of her, untouched, and she was looking down at it with an expression on her face like she held the world on her shoulders.

Jim frowned.

“Are you feeling ok?” Her eyes flicked over to him, surprised. She gave him a small, weary smile.

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I’m just not that hungry, I’ve been feeling a little off recently,” she said, and Jim frowned further for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah, I can tell- they’ve been working you hard, huh?” He sighed, and with a twist of guilt in her stomach, Barbara realized she had been avoiding him. Not on purpose, but- being around people meant she could be caught. He must have thought she was still angry with him- _oh, god._

Barbara nodded.

“They really are. I’ll make up for it, ok? I promise. We can have a game night or something, invite a bunch of people over!” She let her voice take on a softer tone, and at this point, she decided to eat a little. Not a lot, but there was nothing that mattered to her more than her son’s happiness, and she could tell he was worried. He visibly brightened as she took a few bites, and part of her was ashamed to admit it was very good.

“That sounds great- I’ll talk to Toby about it- shoot, that reminds me, I gotta get to school. Love you!”

Jim kissed her on the cheek and rushed out the door, and Barbara stared down at her fork. She took another bite, but she wasn’t paying attention. Her thoughts were elsewhere-

_She was 21, not even out of school, kneeling on her bathroom floor with a nosebleed. James was watching Jim for the evening, and Barbara was with her roommate. She told her to leave him- she had always told her to leave him. Zelda had always been smarter that her, when it came to that kind of thing. When Barbara had asked why, she had told her that he was killing her. Barb had only laughed in response._

Once she came back to herself, she cleared the plates away. She threw up in the sink a few minutes after, and she told herself it was for her own good.

-

The next time Barb threw up, it was approximately one hour after the first time her and Walt had hooked up. She thought the irony in that was a little cruel- she was supposed to be happy, right? They had gone out to a nice dinner, he had taken her back to his apartment, and things had escalated from there. It had been perfect, until-

Well. Theoretically, it hadn’t stopped being perfect. He had held her, which had been very sweet and very comfortable. Once he had fallen asleep... she had been tempted to lie in bed with him, to fall asleep right there. But then she’d gotten to thinking- how she’d looked, how touching her must have felt to him. How the dim light of the moon reflected off of the curves of her body, how he had seen her eat earlier.

It took nothing for her to stagger into the bathroom, blinking blearily in the bright light. She looked at her reflection, only for a moment- pale, drawn face. Wan skin tone, the exposed jut of her collarbones drawing smooth lines- who was she, again? She looked.. hm. her eyes drew back to everything that had ever been mentioned by someone else. Thighs- the soft edges of her hips, her exposed stomach as she drew her shirt up- no ribs yet. James’s voice echoed in her head- _come on, do you really want to look like that, Barb? Are you sure you want to eat that? Why do you eat so much, anyway? Take that dress off, it’s not flattering. Suck in your stomach, jeez, we’re taking a picture._ Barbara considered these things for a moment, and then considered them in Walter’s voice instead.

It was far too easy for her to bring up the contents of her stomach in a few harsh movements, her mouth sour, throat sore. She knelt on the cold tile, coughing roughly. Her face was red, tears crawled from the edges of her eyes.

 _Be good enough for him,_ her mind whispered. _Be good enough for him, pretty enough for him, and maybe he won’t leave you like the rest. Maybe he won’t think you’re ugly. Maybe he will care, maybe-_

She was opening her phone before she knew what she was doing. Flicked through her contacts list- Zelda Nomura. (Though she was in Barb’s phone as some inside-joke nickname from college.)

She hit call, and she let it ring- she prayed that she would answer. Maybe she would be asleep, or at the museum late- or-

“mmnhh- Barb? What’s going on?” Barbara could tell from Nomura’s voice that she had just woken up. “It’s real late, you ok? Ol’ Waltolomew finally decide to get freaky?”

Barbara sighed, a fond sound.

“You wish. Sorry, your competition’s still around, we, uh. We hooked up, actually.” She kept her voice very soft so she wouldn’t wake Walter. “I was just- I was calling because I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever, I...” She trailed off. Her voice was hoarse and rough from vomiting, and she knew that it was obvious something was wrong.

Zelda made a little noise of affirmation.

“You two finally did the deed, huh? Glad to hear it, he’s been talking incessantly about you for weeks,” she teased. “Aw, Bee, I’m touched. Good to hear you still care about your poor roommate- we’ve come a long way from college, haven’t we?”

Barbara froze.

Well. She definitely knew _something_ was going on. She fumbled with her words for a minute-

“Listen, I- I gotta go- I’ll call later, sorry for waking you-“ she stammered, her stomach twisting involuntarily.

“Barb- c’mon, I didn’t mean- shit, if you’re leaving, be safe, ok? Please?” Nomura’s sleep-scratchy voice was ridden with concern, and when she hung up, it made Barbara’s stomach twist with guilt so sharply that she hunched over and retched sharply, her throat burning. There was no way she could’ve stifled the sound as she was sick again, her nose running, eyes watering.

Jesus, she knew she looked pathetic. She flushed the evidence, sitting back against the wall and praying that Walter was a heavy sleeper. Throwing up at someone else’s house was not something she was used to- it made her feel like an honest to god monster.

Barb rested her head on her knees as a shaky, burning sob ripped through her, stifled into her hands. Hot tears ran down her face in a thick stream, and she gasped for air, shivering. It was cold- she was so cold, sitting here on the floor. Her stomach hurt, her lips were unpleasantly burning, and her throat stung.

This night was supposed to have been perfect- it was supposed to have made her feel better, to be loved so wholly by someone and not judged for her body. Instead, she felt _empty_ , she felt broken. Her pale form was shaking, shaking so hard that her vision was blurry, and-

“Barbara?” Walter’s voice was soft and hoarse with sleep and concern. “Are you well? I heard-“ He sighed quietly. “I heard you earlier, my dear, are you ill?”

She only cried harder, shoulders quivering with the weight of what was happening to her. She heard a soft gasp outside.

“I am going to come in if you do not tell me to do otherwise, is that all right?” Barb didn’t have the energy to speak, and if she did, she still wouldn’t have told him to leave.

After a moment, the door creaked open and Walter stepped in. His hair was mussed with sleep and his eyes were slightly hazed- she could tell that he had only woken recently. Immediately, he knelt down next to her- his eyes were wide, awake immediately once he realized she was in tears.

”Barbara, darling- are you alright? I... I heard you earlier, so I expected you would be unwell- I can’t say I expected tears, love..” His voice was very soft as he reached for her- “Is it alright if I touch you?”

She nodded, still sniffling, and he ran his fingers through her hair, which had stayed out of the way, thank goodness. He gently brushed her hair back, one hand falling to her back and rubbing slow circles. Barbara leaned into his shoulder, her eyes closed.

“Poor darling,” He said softly, kissing the top of her head and gently sliding his arm around her back. “Can you tell me what’s wrong? Has something happened, are you ill?” She couldn’t even speak at his questions, she couldn’t-

When she started to cry harder, he inhaled sharply and tugged her into his lap, her face nestled into his neck. “It’s alright, you don’t have to say. It’s alright..” His tone was shaky, very quiet- she could tell that he was maintaining his calm for her. To be fair, if she had been in his position, she would have been incredibly concerned too.

After a few minutes, Barbara’s sobs lessened, and she took in a slow breath.

“I, um,” she sniffled, rubbing her eyes. “Well. I might as well start at the beginning.” She sighed. It was an exhausted sound, trailing off into nothing. Walter’s green eyes were focused intently on her. For some reason, it didn’t intimidate her like she thought it should’ve.

“I don’t know if Nomura has spoken much about me- we were roommates in college, we had a bit of a flame for a while- it was a long story, but... we lived together off and on for a while before James and I were able to afford our own place- Jim was around two, I think. And, I, um-“ She looked up at Walter as she spoke and immediately stopped talking when she had noticed his face had gone sickly white. He blinked at her once, twice, swallowing.

Nomura had told him, hadn’t she.

Of course, Barb knew she never would have mentioned her by name, but- having a bulimic college roommate would never be something easy, of course she would have mentioned it. Shit, shit- 

“Oh, Barbara-“ His eyes glittered with tears for a moment, and he quickly wiped them away, gently cupping her face with both hands. “I.. Zelda had mentioned a roommate, before, who-“ he choked on his words, closing his eyes and biting his lip. He took in a slow, deep breath, and when he opened his eyes again, he looked calmer. “I did not know who, Barbara- I do not want you to think less of her for this, she would never reveal who, of course not- and I- I do not think less of you, I just..” He caressed her cheek, so gently that it nearly seemed like he thought he would break her. “I didn’t know- my love, I’m sorry-“

Barbara hardly heard him, her chest tight, eyes wide. She had wanted to tell him on her own terms, and while she wasn’t mad at Zelda, she hadn’t wanted this. She hadn’t wanted him to know at all, this- this meant she couldn’t deny it anymore. Her breath was coming in sharp gasps, her eyes wide. He wouldn’t want to be with someone like her- she was broken, she was damaged goods. All she would do was hurt him, he couldn’t love her if she was so shallow. _No one could love a shallow, appearance-obsessed bitch-_

“Barbara! Barbara, darling, look at me,” His voice cut through the radio static as he cupped her face in his hands, gently thumbing her tears away. “Take a deep breath, love, it’s alright. I’m not angry with you,” He soothed, and she whimpered, a broken little noise. “Shh, shh, my love. Match your breathing to mine, I’m not upset. See?” He gently brushed her hair back from her face, bringing her into a gentle embrace. Walter made soft little cooing noises as he held her, attempting to ease her panic. As he soothed her, she calmed exponentially, her breathing evening out as her heartbeat synced up with his. “That’s it..” Walt rubbed her back in slow circles, and she eventually managed to quiet down, leaning her head against his shoulder.

Barbara sighed softly. She was very impressed with his ability to handle her panic, and she briefly wondered where he had gotten that talent. More than any curiosity, though, she was very grateful. Barb took a deep breath and finally managed the wherewithal to speak. She sat back, making eye contact with him so she could articulate her tone clearly.

“You can’t have known, Walt. It isn’t your fault, and I’m not mad at her for telling you, I- I hadn’t even relapsed until recently, I- tonight was wonderful, I don’t want you thinking it was your fault, I just- it- it made me think about-“ She choked on her words, tears forming in her eyes again, and Walter shushed her gently, tugging her back into his lap.

“It’s alright- shh, shh, love, it’s alright. You’ve been through quite the ordeal, it seems, why don’t we just worry about getting you to bed?” He proposed, running his fingers through the thick of her hair and rubbing her back in slow, methodical circles.

Admittedly, she liked that idea. It was too late for her to really collect her thoughts- she could apologize to Nomura in a text now, and call her in the morning- she could explain everything in the morning.

“I gotta apologize to Zelda first,” Barb mumbled, getting out her phone and sending a quick apology text. “Ok. Ok, yeah, I think you’re right,” she said. Her eyes were half-closed, heavy-lidded with exhaustion and puffy from crying. She got to her feet and wobbled into Walter’s chest as he stood up- he caught her easily.

“Oh-! Alright- you’re alright,” He soothed. The look on his face was one of heartbreak, his eyes soft and sad- he was clearly trying his hardest to stay calm for her. She couldn’t blame him- especially not once she looked in the mirror. Her usually composed appearance was disheveled- her hair was an unbrushed mess, her eyes were red, and her cheeks were flushed from crying. Her cheeks were hollow and her face was pale. She wiped her mouth a little, and tried to fix her hair. There had always been something comforting about seeming fine, even if it was a facade.

Barb washed her mouth out and let Walter take her back to bed, crawling under the covers and letting him fit his arms around her waist, his chin resting on the top of her head. He was very warm, the heat radiating off of his body leaching into hers, making her sleepy and comfortable.

She knew that he couldn’t fix her, and neither could she, not by herself. But he could help her. He could make sure she got the help she needed, make sure she was okay.

And as Barbara drifted off, she knew that was what mattered. This time, she had someone who’d stay.

-


End file.
